Even if you’ve never said the words, I’d imagine you’ve at least thought them.
No? Not once?
I don’t believe you.
This goes out to all of you who have been in good relationships. Relationships where it was really hard to pick out actual problems.
Relationships that often seemed too good to be true.
The man/woman who was good to you. Loved you. Treated you exactly the way you deserved.
But, there you were. Ending it. Because it wasn’t quite right. Something was missing. You couldn’t even articulate what it was. You just knew your feelings weren’t the same as theirs.
First of all, hi. I’ve been there. I understand. There are so many various emotions that come with these situations.
Let’s start with the less obvious. Let’s talk about you, the breaker-upper, and how you feel.
Having to break up with someone who essentially did nothing wrong is so incredibly painful and for some reason we never talk about it. Maybe because you don’t have reasons that sound legitimate. It leaves you in a situation where you have to be brutally honest. You need to just say what you feel.
You likely still love him/her. And you likely always will. Maybe you no longer miss them the way you used to. The attraction isn’t quite there anymore. You notice yourself staring at the cute guy at the bar and wondering what life may be like with him.
You’re questioning everything while they’re loving you the same as they always had. It breaks your heart.
Your guilt is building. And you realize that it’s overwhelmingly terrifying to break up with someone for no reason other than this vague change of heart.
The words are so hard to say out loud, let alone admit them to yourself.
It’s like that song, “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” Boy, is it hard.
I remember when I broke up with my longterm boyfriend for these exact reasons, I cried for a month straight.
I felt sick to my stomach. I hurt the most wonderful man. There was nothing wrong with him. He was a dream come true in almost every way. But, I couldn’t help how I felt.
Then add the gut-wrenching fear associated with any breakup: what if I never find someone to love me again?
You’re ending things with someone who loves you whole-heartedly. Unconditionally. It seems so stupid to leave someone who loves you that way. It’s a risk. It’s scary as all hell.
But it’s your truth. There’s a subtle bravery in finding the courage to end a relationship when you realize it has run its course. It just seems that no matter what, it’s impossible to make him/her see things that way. At least at first.
So, that’s you. I feel you. I empathize with you. I am proud of you for having the courage to follow your heart, for better or for worse. Honesty is best.
Now, to you on the receiving end. The one who has to listen to these words. To somehow swallow this truth. The person you love most in the world is leaving you just because it “isn’t right anymore.”
Even I can admit that it sounds ridiculous. It makes me want to roll my eyes. You’re telling yourself it would almost be easier if they had cheated. Or if they had been mean. Or had done something to piss you off enough to let your emotions turn into anger rather than hurt.
No such luck. Hearing that the person you love just doesn’t feel the same way anymore is devastating. The sound of these words pierces into your heart and a colossal pit in your stomach begins to take shape.
You ask them what you had done wrong? How can you fix it? You’re willing to try harder. You will do anything. You start blaming yourself.
Stop it. Don’t. It wasn’t you.
When they tell you that you did nothing wrong, believe them. You really didn’t. Their heart changed. Their vision for the future changed. You did nothing.
You think they’re just trying to pacify you. Saying that you were too good. That they weren’t worthy of all you had to give. That they clearly weren’t loving you with their entire heart.
Listen. And actually consider what they’re saying. And consider that as hard as it is for you to hear those words, they’re just as painful to say.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.
To both of you. Remember that there’s such a thing as a necessary selfishness.
Forcing something to work because of guilt or fear is the cowardice response. Both parties need to understand that is isn’t healthy to remain in a situation solely for comfort.
Being honest is always the noble choice. The right choice. Also, the difficult choice.
Choosing to say “it’s not you, it’s me” isn’t a copout. And it isn’t deceitful. It isn’t purposeful pain. It isn’t lying. It isn’t cheating. It’s honest.
We say that all we want is honesty. We’re sick of liars yet, we don’t like the truth.
Break-ups suck. They hurt. No one likes them. But, they happen.
Be true, be kind and continue to spread love. Break-ups don’t have to end in hatred as long as we find it in our hearts to appreciate honesty in all of its forms.
I send you love, hugs and a pint of ice cream if you need it,
Emily Perrott, The Sunflower Child